“Once I’m there, I can finally relax.”
That’s what I told myself (and other people) to get through the weeks of packing and moving madness. I really believed that as soon as I would enter my new home, I would also enter a new mental state, one of a newfound calm and relaxation. Maybe even a little bit of a holiday mood? I dragged myself through a serious lack of sleep with the promise that I could rest and sleep as much as I wanted, once I would be in Stockholm.
Boy was I wrong.
I am discovering a new kind of being tired. Of feeling energised and exhausted at the same time. Making this place my own feels like running a marathon. I’ve never actually ran one, so I’m not really sure, but I think it does. There’s always something to clean. Something to buy. Something to try. Something to discover. Something to enjoy. Thoughts are racing through my head at a dangerous speed and I need to write them down to make a little more headspace to just be here, breath and calm down.
I know that I’m a “nesting” person. But I forgot what that actually feels like. I’m the kind of person who needs to arrange a new space a certain way to make it cosy, move things around until the energy “feels right’ and eventually turn it into a home. Until I get there, I feel slightly restless. Always distracted by what isn’t just right yet. Putting pressure on myself to get things done straight away. Even though it’s the middle of the night and I really need some sleep. Those curtains need to be changed. Right. Now.
So no. I’m not really getting into that relaxing mode just yet.
I guess I’ll remain tired for a few more weeks. Because there’s still some redecorating to do, some cleaning, lots of exploring, meeting people, looking for jobs, planning trips, … I’ll always find something that still needs to be done. And I guess that’s ok. Because it keeps me busy. It takes my mind off things I might start missing soon. The hardest part might still have to come. The moment when I see how life back home is moving forward without me, my friends, family and colleagues, while I’m still building my new life over here. When I start missing those people I didn’t really want to let go of, but had to, as part of the choice I made to follow this dream. When that happens, I hope I’ll still have lots of stuff to do, to keep my mind away from too much sadness.