Oh hi 👋🏼. It’s been a while since I’ve been here. Last time I announced the arrival of darkness, so this could be a declaration -a celebration even- of the return of light. But it isn’t. This is me emerging from my cocoon.
“What happened the past 5 months?”
Sometimes things only make sense after a while. Until now I found it impossible to find to right words, let alone the energy, to describe something I didn’t fully understand. It seems that I had my own kind of winter sleep. It started quite suddenly, end of October, when my internet broke down and right after that my laptop too. Everything just seemed to break or go wrong. To be honest, that was a really, really bad week. It forced me to dig deep in myself and discover a strength I didn’t know existed in me. But despite all drama, I was ok.
Everything needed to break before it could become better
Hashtag life. Hashtag facepalm. I started getting interesting job conversations, eventually leading to a job offer. And then another one. A dream-like offer. A can-someone-pinch-me-please-I-believe-I’m-dreaming kind of offer. That was almost 5 months ago. Back then I had been living in Sweden for 5 months.
When I’d just moved here it was simple. Everything was new and fresh, I was living on a summer holiday high with a hint of pressure to fix everything at once in the back of my head. The long summer days turned me sleepless in my new city, with so much to explore, so many (new) people to meet, an apartment to turn into a home, a quest to find the perfect job and a strong desire to make my move official as soon as possible (which isn’t easy if you move to Sweden without a job). I was tired all the time, you can read about that here. But as exhausting as it was, this ‘newness’ felt great.
But it didn’t last forever
Eventually, my new life started to feel normal. The pressure to use every minute of my day to explore Stockholm diminished by the growing realisation that I was staying here, for real. I started living in the moment. Plans just came up when they did and because I left my calendar empty I was able to say yes to unexpected activities. I ended up living so intensely in the now that I had trouble talking about long term plans. I didn’t know where I was going but I loved the ride.
I learned a lot about myself and my limits, but most of all to accept that expectations don’t necessarily match reality. I thought I would get a job after 3 months. I didn’t. I thought I would be able to fix all the paperwork and make my move official by then. I couldn’t. I wasn’t really hitting my targets… but I was doing so many other things I never expected to do and most of all, I was happy. Or at least, I was when I could let go of those targets and everything that reminded me of them, including this blog. Hence the radio silence 💁🏼♀️
But I’m back!
I’ve reached my targets! I have an awesome job and my paperwork is finally done. And along the way I learned that letting go of my targets didn’t mean that I wouldn’t reach them, just that I couldn’t control everything. I needed to believe that my work would pay off some day. I needed to trust myself. As simple as it sounds, it’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
(C) All photos by me unless stated otherwise – please don’t use them without asking permission 🙏🏼